It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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