Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
