New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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