Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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