why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
