I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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