Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
