no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I want to fling myself into the sun
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
