How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
