its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I fill condoms, not promises.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
