You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
