I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
