I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
