yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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