508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
