So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
