forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just threw up on my dentist
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
