He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
