Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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