He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
