I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
