he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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