how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
