you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize