i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
