Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
