i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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