this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
