he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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