She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize