just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
