I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
