How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
