I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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