My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
