where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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