Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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