my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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