She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
