My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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