Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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