grandma shit on top of the toilet
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
