I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
