So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
