If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
