I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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