So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
