I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
