I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
