I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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