My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
