Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
