If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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