Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
