I love black thongs
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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