Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
