my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I will be naked everywhere
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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